


Am I Ever Gonna Find Out?

by egosoffire



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Coping Mechanisms, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Trauma, selective mutism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2019-03-29 08:40:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13923465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/egosoffire/pseuds/egosoffire
Summary: The war is over, and Ben Solo is mute due to trauma. He is discharged into the care of Poe Dameron.





	Am I Ever Gonna Find Out?

**Author's Note:**

> Title from [Am I Ever Gonna Find Out?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s99W2Xnk5og) by Lifehouse. 
> 
> Silence is golden  
> but I think it's gonna kill me now.  
> .

 

“Why can’t he talk?” 

Ben heard the voice outside his room and closed his eyes. Several tears made their way past his tight barriers, and he inhaled, choking on a sob. It was Poe Dameron outside of his room. Of course it was. It was always Poe Dameron who haunted his dreams and nightmares, and now Poe was here, checking up on him.

“We’re not sure, Commander.” The other voice belonged to one of the medics. “The going theory is that whatever the First Order officers did when they captured him was...traumatic enough to force him into selective mutism.” 

“He’s been awake though, right? I mean…physically, is there anything wrong with him?”

There was a long pause and then the medic spoke again. “No, sir. The medical team has declared him stable. His serious wounds were treated and the others are catching up. He should be perfectly fine at this point.” 

“And he’s free to go if he’d like?”

Another pause. 

“Yes, sir, he’s free to go. Actually, command needs to speak to you about that…” 

“Me?”

“Yes. General Organa’s last wishes were very clear, Poe. You know what they’re going to ask of you…”

Ben sighed and leaned back against the pillow under his head. Even he knew what that meant. His mother loved Dameron, and always had. Even when they were children, she thought he was a wonderful boy. She had delighted in their relationship. 

He knew she had entrusted Poe with taking care of him, protecting him from the penalties that would come with his crimes. 

“I don’t know if I can do that.” 

Of course he didn’t know. Poe was a good man, dedicated to his cause. He was not blinded in the way the general had been. He did not believe in Ben Solo the way that his mother had.

“I believe in you, Commander.” 

Ben sighed and turned onto his face, putting the pillow over his head, hoping it could drown out some of the sounds. 

He must have fallen asleep shortly after, because Ben was in his dreams again. The dreams that replayed the incident that led him to such a state. He had been at the mercy of his own students, the young men and women that he had trained as his own. 

The pain was intense, but he had spent his entire life dealing with pain. The worst part was the pain, the subjugation and the knowing that there was no freedom for someone like him. He was Kylo Ren to the Resistance, to those who had watched his reign of terror, and he was the weakling Ben Solo to those who had followed Ren and were now poisoned against him. There was no freedom. Nothing for him.

He woke up with a start, and found that he was not alone in the room. Poe Dameron was sitting in the chair by his bed, looking at him with dark eyes. 

“Ben, you’re awake,” he said, relief in his voice. “How...how are you?”

Ben looked at him and wished more than anything that he could form the words. He just felt like there was a block, some invisible force clamping his tongue down to the bottom of his mouth. He could not make the words come out, make himself speak. He couldn’t do it.

He substituted what he wanted to say for a nod. He was alive. He had survived the ordeal, and helped the Resistance win the war. It was over and now the whole galaxy could work on rebuilding. He, on the other hand, could not even make more than faint, guttural sounds come out of his mouth.

“The medics say you’re doing well,” Poe said. Ben could see the discomfort as it crossed his handsome face. He did a good job of shoving it down, but it was more than obvious that he didn’t want to be there. “You’ve recovered really well.” 

Ben nodded. He knew that his body had made a physical recovery. He felt strong again, like he could move easily. Yet, physical recovery didn’t mean anything when he felt this way.

“You’ve got clearance to leave the medical wing,” Poe said, so uncomfortable that Ben almost felt pity for him. “But there’s a condition to that clearance, for right now at least.” 

Ben nodded. Even if he had not overheard the conversation that was had, he would have known. He knew exactly what the conditions of his release were going to be.

“You’re going to be released into my charge,” Poe murmured, saying the words awkwardly. The tiniest look in his eyes betrayed the fact that he’d rather have his skin ripped off than be forced to endure this. “I’ve been living on a Rebel base since I was a teenager, you know, so my place is...not exactly amazing. It’s small, quiet, though, and you can recover there.” 

It wasn’t like he had it in him to object. Even if he wanted to object, the words were gone. 

“I’m sure that you’ll get your voice back,” Poe said, after what felt like the longest silence ever. “It’s just a traumatic experience and it’ll...it’ll get better, I promise.” 

Poe then awkwardly dismissed himself, and Ben gave a wordless laugh that sounded like a wheeze.

Poe’s little home was humble, just a few miles from the Rebel base. The war was over, but the group still existed, trying to bring peace back to the galaxy that had been so damaged by the First Order. 

“I hope you’re comfortable here.”

Poe’s words made Ben laugh, just a little. The man could not care about him and his comfort. It was preposterous to think that he could. As much as Poe Dameron had loved him once, he hated the man that he currently was.

He nodded to show he was fine.

The days were awkward, to say the very least. Poe spent a lot of them outside of the home, working. He flew a mission that lasted around a week’s time. Yet, he always returned, and Ben had barely moved from the place he had last been. 

His heart was just crushed. There was no motivation left for him. His mother was dead, and he had been physically and mentally decimated, torn into pieces that had no substance left. What purpose was there for living? 

Poe came back from a two day mission and found him lying in bed, facing the wall.

“Ben,” he said. “Have you been eating? Drinking? It’s been two days and I swear you’re in the same spot I left you.”

Ben forced himself to turn around, in spite of the fact that the physical effort hurt. It actually hurt. He felt as though his heart was made of solid brick. He shook his head, his way of telling Poe that he was fine. He was fine and there was nothing to worry about or look uncomfortable about.

It was a lie, but it didn’t matter. Lies could be more effective than the truth at times.

Poe sighed and then walked across the room. “Come on.”

Ben looked at him quizzically. What could he possibly mean by that? 

“Get up. We’re going outside.”

Ben tried to object, but at the same time, the objection wasn’t going to happen when there was no words to use. He got up, against his will. Poe then reached over and grabbed some clothing out of the bedside dresser, thrusting the bundle at him. 

“Change,” he ordered. “I’ll be back in about five minutes.”

Ben found that he couldn’t do anything but obey. So, he changed his clothes and met Poe at the door. The pilot looked at him with a mixture of pity, disgust, and something that Ben had not seen in a very long time. He remembered that same look on Poe’s face, a dozen years and a million traumas ago.

“Come on.”

The planet that the Resistance had made its home on was isolated, quiet. It had a breathable atmosphere and a few native lifeforms, but none of them were sentient. There was a wooded area and a small lake not too far from Poe’s apartment, a modified dwelling made by former settlers of the planet. 

Poe walked out to the lake and looked at Ben pointedly. It was completely understood that he was meant to follow, so Ben did, until they reached the lakeside. The water was quiet and still. When he reached his hand out to feel, he could sense the lifeforms living in the water, small, golden colored fish that he could just barely see with his eyes. 

“Reminds me of the lake back home,” Poe murmured, as he sat down next to it. “Do you remember it?” 

Ben looked over and nodded, slowly. How could he forget? It was so small that he and Poe had jokingly called it a puddle. Yet, it had been a nice place to swim in the warm months, and he could recall a day when things had gotten very physical on the banks of that lake…

“Those were the days,” Poe murmured, gesturing for Ben to sit next to him. 

Ben sat and stared along the sleek surface of the pool. The memories were painful, as beautiful as they had once been. 

Things went silent for a little while, on Poe’s part as well. It seemed that the man was not so good at holding a one-sided conversation. Yet, the water was serene and nice to look at and Ben did feel a slight calmness enter his heart. That was a small blessing.

“I’m sorry we couldn’t help you in time.”

Poe’s voice broke the silence that surrounded them. Ben turned his head and saw that there was actual guilt on his handsome face. He opened his mouth, instinctively, as if he could speak, but nothing came.

Instead, he just shook his head from side-to-side. Poe’s people had tried to come for him, but the First Order, the Knights of Ren, they had just been stronger, more capable than anyone ever imagined. The memories of what had been done to him would plague him for the rest of his life, even if he got his voice back someday. 

“We tried our best,” Poe said. “We all did.” 

Ben nodded. He didn’t doubt the bravery of the pilot, or of anyone else in his company. He just doubted that he was anything to them but a large burden. 

“You have to keep on living, you know,” Poe said, reaching over and running his fingers over the bank of the lake, where a small amount of water rested, still. 

Ben raised an eyebrow at that. He looked at Dameron and he knew that even without words, he was capable of asking a simple question. 

“Because,” Poe said, understanding the question right away, “you don’t get to choose whether or not you live or die. You made it through for a reason, and now you’re here and you have to survive.”

Ben scoffed, as much as he could manage anyway. 

Poe scooted over and reached a hand out, putting it on his shoulder. His fingers were still wet from the water. The cold of it made Ben flinch, but Poe did not let go. 

“You know, part of me still hates you,” he said honestly. “I hate you for everything that you’ve done, and every life that’s been lost because of your choices.” 

Ben took the words and embraced them. At least Poe was honest about his feelings. He was tired of people acting like they didn’t hate him, especially when he deserved their hate. There was something calming, refreshing even, about a man who admitted it.

Poe stood up and took off his shoes. Ben watched him, in awe, not even standing yet. Poe set his shoes aside and then put his feet into the water, wading up until he was in to his knees. 

“Part of me doesn’t hate you, though,” he said, as Ben scrambled and stood up. He indicated for Ben to take off his shoes, and Ben wasn’t sure why, but he obeyed. He slipped them off and joined Poe in the water. “Part of me remembers exactly what it was like to love you. I’m afraid that part has hope.” 

Ben couldn’t help the way that his lips twitched in a smile. Poe couldn’t help himself; in spite of his rage, he had hope for the most hopeless being there was. 

“You’re smiling,” Poe said with a laugh, a laugh that was exceedingly pleasant, and equally uncomfortable. “Look at that, I made him smile.” 

Ben ducked his head down. 

Poe took off his shirt and sunk down into the water. It was a surprising gesture, but out of nowhere, Ben knew what he was trying to do. Poe was trying to remind him of those nights, swimming in that little puddle together. Poe enjoyed the water quite a bit.

“Care to join me?”

Ben almost shook his head. It was unreal to think he would be permitted something like that, so exceedingly normal. 

Poe gave him an insistent look, however, and he caved.

He took off his outer layers cautiously, almost afraid. The air was warm, and Ben could feel the sunshine on his skin. It was comforting, even if he was afrraid of his own shadow. He laid down his clothes and looked at Poe. 

Poe then proceeded to push him in the water. Ben hit the water with a splash, coughing out in surprise. He tried, instinctively, to ask Poe why he’d done that, but of course, the words did not come out. Poe then shrugged and dove down under the water.

When he emerged, Ben remembered what it was once like to be a child in love with Poe Dameron. The man’s wet curls in his eyes, his chest broad and strong… yes, Ben remembered the love of a young man very well. 

“I take it you like what you see,” Poe said as he wiped his face, a grin spreading across it and reaching those rich, warm eyes that Ben had loved so long ago. “You know, I always fantasized about saving you, and about us becoming something again. I would never admit it to anyone else, but I don’t feel shame in telling you the truth of who I am.” 

Ben didn’t know what he was supposed to say.

“What would you do if I kissed you right now?” Poe asked. He was a lot more chattery, and a lot less smooth than Ben remembered. He supposed having a guest that could not speak was a strange occurrence. “What if I did, Ben?”

Ben just shrugged. It wasn't like he would object. As dark as the clouds around his heart felt, he wanted that kiss.

Poe then nodded, looking as though he had made a big choice. He leaned over and pressed his lips to Ben’s. 

The kiss was like a jolt of electricity straight to the heart. Poe had always been the best kisser, and the warmth of his lips seemed to heat the ice that was buried deep inside Ben’s chest. He loved this man and that was not something you ever forgot. 

“That was nice…” Poe murmured. “I can’t save you, Ben. I know that. A person can’t save another person, no matter how much love they feel inside of themselves. Yet, I know for a fact that you can save yourself, someday, and I’ll be there for you, okay? I promise.” 

It didn’t take a day, a month or even a year. It was a long, grueling process and Ben felt like he’d never be okay. He didn’t see the light ever coming.

Then, one day, Poe said those words again, “I promise,” and Ben’s own promise joined it.


End file.
